How to Check In on a Friend

Have you ever wondered why it’s easier to understand your friend’s problem or situation more clearly than your own? This is due to “psychological distancing,” a cognitive technique that removes your own emotional noise and makes decision-making more straightforward.¹ This clarity helps you check in on a friend to offer support and is one of the reasons why friends and family are so important in our lives.

That said asking about a friend’s mental health – no matter your intention – can feel awkward and even intrusive.

What if you say the wrong thing or they take it the wrong way? No matter how imperfect, these gestures remind others that they are not alone and can be the first step in helping them feel less isolated.

Why people struggle to ask for help

Not all mental health struggles look the same. Sometimes the people who smile the brightest and insist they’re “fine” before briskly changing the subject are the ones struggling the most. There are several reasons why people don’t easily ask for help:

• Fear or avoidance around what they are experiencing
• Stigma and shame around mental health
• Fear of being a burden to others
• Hard to explain what they’re feeling
• Fear of rejection

Signs a friend might be struggling

It can be hard to know when to check in on a friend struggling with a mental health challenge – especially if they’re trying to hide it. Paying attention to subtle shifts in a friend’s behavior helps us draw clues that there’s something going on.²

• Behavioral: Pulling away, repeatedly canceling plans, neglecting responsibilities
• Emotional: Expressing apathy or hopelessness, uncharacteristic mood swings, losing interest in regular activities
• Communication: Hinting at a deeper issue before brushing it off. Prolonged periods of silence, deflecting serious questions with humor or vague answers
• Physical clues: Looking more tired or run-down, neglecting their appearance or personal hygiene
• Social media cues: Reduced activity on platforms, cryptic or worrisome posts

How to check in on a friend (without being intrusive)

The problem with starting the conversation with “Are you OK?” is that it is too vague. Plus, it can very quickly put people on the spot, trigger unexpected tears, or spur them to dodge the question. Instead: 

• Choose the right time and method. A text may give them time to respond, while a phone call might be too much pressure.
• Lead with curiosity and warmth.
• Start with a specific observation (“You seem a little quieter these days.”)
• Keep it short and sweet. Let them take the lead and be prepared to follow.
• Respect boundaries but follow up if needed
• Be specific in offering help. (“Can I pick up a meal for you while I’m at the grocery store?”)
• Refrain from offering too many solutions.
• Know that just checking in plants a seed of awareness.

How to check in with a friend over text

Using text to check in on a friend and inquire about their mental health can be tricky. Even with close friends, it can be hard to know where to start. Here are some open-ended conversation starters to communicate your concern and let them take the lead in sharing.

• “I know life’s been heavy lately. Let me know if you want to talk about.”
• “No pressure, but if you ever want to vent, I’m here for you.”
• “On a scale from ‘doing great’ to ‘barely hanging on,’ where are we today?”
• “No need to respond, but I wanted to reach out and say I’m here for you.”

Don’t solve their troubles

It’s important to remember that you are their friend – not their therapist. It can be tempting to try and “fix” your friend’s problems, but this can sometimes backfire:

• Minimizes their feelings: Coming up with “easy” solutions can make it seem like they aren’t doing enough.
• Shifts the focus away from them: This isn’t about completing a task or even sharing a relevant story about yourself. This is about being there for someone. 
• Creates pressure: Offering solutions may send the wrong message that they need to meet expectations or act a certain way.
• May miss the bigger picture: There may be deeper issues going on than the one problem you’re trying to solve.

In most cases, it’s more important – and more powerful – to simply show up, listen, and make them feel heard and understood.

Knowing when more help is needed

Sometimes a person’s problems and your ability to help go beyond what a personal relationship can hold. Just as it’s important to know when to check in on a friend and listen, it is equally important to know when to gently encourage professional help.

Here are some signs to keep an eye on:

• Hopelessness: Saying things like “I don’t see a way out” or “It doesn’t matter anyways”
• Changes in functioning: Dramatic changes in daily activities or struggling to maintain relationships and responsibilities
• Withdrawal: Isolating from people and activities they once enjoyed
• Talk of self-harm or suicide: Even vague and joking references should be taken seriously
• Unexplained or prolonged physical symptoms: Things like chronic fatigue and frequent headaches can be signs of larger mental health issues
• Increased use of substances to cope: “Numbing” themselves by turning to alcohol or drugs

How helping others helps you

Being there for someone is a true act of service. When you check in on a friend, it builds stronger connections, reduces feelings of isolation, and serves as a reminder that you’re not alone in your struggles.

• Develops empathy: Helping others shifts your focus to empathy and activates the part of your brain responsible for connection and emotional regulation.
• Sense of purpose: Acts of service can give meaning to your life, which supports good mental health.
• Shared experience: Helping someone cope with something you’ve also struggled with gives you a new perspective and courage to face your own problems.
• Keeps you present: Being there for others keeps you grounded in the moment, reduces your own mental noise, and prompts you to pay attention.

Key takeaways

• You don’t have to have the right words, perfect timing, or a background in mental health care to check in on a friend and make a difference. Honest connection starts with simple awareness and a willingness to face heavy conversations.
• Start small. Be brief with check-ins but also be prepared to follow their lead. Know that your job is to provide a compassionate presence – not to solve their problems.

If your friend is struggling with a situation beyond your ability to support, encourage them to seek help from a professional mental health clinician. This, too, is a powerful act of caring.

References

¹Ackerman, C. E. (2020, July 21). What is psychological distancing? 7 helpful examples and strategies. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/psychological-distancing/

²American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Warning signs of mental illness. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/warning-signs-of-mental-illness

Medically reviewed by Veronica Calkins, LCSW.